♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
Good job, guys!
All in all, I'd say it was a pretty successful
Eyes Wide Shut sex party slash fundraiser for UNICEF.
‐ The time traveling glory hole was a great touch.
Dirty Randy's still going at it, aren't ya, bud?
‐ Whoa‐ho! My dong inadvertently caused the assassination of JFK!
‐ Wasn't that a B‐story on Modern Family?
‐ That party sucked. No one wanted to sacrifice Ragu.
No way the petting zoo's gonna take him back
with that haunted look in his eyes.
I finally did it!
I perfectly deboned this brrranzino.
It took me 147 tries but‐‐ Wait, wh‐where is everyone?
‐ Party's over, man. You took too long with the fish.
I told you, just order Burger Lounge.
Everyone at an orgy expects to be eating Burger Lounge.
Eat Clean, Fuck Dirty.
‐ I guess I'll just enjoy this perfectly deboned European Sea Bass
by myself.
‐ Should we save him?
‐ Yeah, I guess give him the Shlorplich maneuver.
‐ Just for the record, I was just
pretending to choke.
‐ Ah crap, the Pupa's blue.
‐ Uh, what does that mean? ‐ You're the Pupa specialist!
‐ Right... and what does that mean?
‐ Aisha, access the Pupa's informational color swatches.
Okay, royal blue means the Pupa has kennel cough,
cornflower blue means one of us just had a sex dream about the other one,
navy blue means his Hulu plan is expiring,
robin's egg blue means we get a free Xbox,
Pacific blue means we all die at midnight!
‐ We were so close to gettin' that Xbox!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
They love having robots do their jobs,
but they don't create a system of universal income
so they can have money after the robots take their jobs.
It makes no sense!
‐ Okay, let me break it down for you.
‐ Oh yeah, baby, break it down, break it down‐‐
‐ Shut the fuck up, Terry!
Since the Pupa's turned blue, he's been emitting a protein dust
that triggers a natural mechanism in our bodies
that kills us in 12 hours.
‐ Ooh, stakes! People are listening now!
‐ After we die, the Pupa will eat us,
then evolve and terraform this shit stain of a planet
into the image of our home world.
‐ Hey, alright! That means we're closer to completing the mission.
We are so good at this!
‐ I bet when I die, I'll be so popular at school.
Last year, Jeannie Scarlatos got crowned homecoming queen
after a moose kicked her in the heart.
‐ Ooh, I've never died before!
But I have seen Weekend at Bernie's like a hundred times,
so I guarantee it's gonna be hilarious.
‐ You know, dying is gonna be great for all of us.
Let's gather all our stuff and burn it on the front lawn.
I don't want any humans touching my shit while I'm dead.
And then we can dig the pits we die in.
Ooh, I gotta get my shovel back from Keith.
‐ Better hurry, Pupa's looking hungry.
♪ ominous music playing ♪
‐ Keith, whatever dumb shit you're doing right now, stop.
‐ Korvo! Hey, buddy,
"Fruit By Keith By The Foot."
I'm making my own fruit snacks.
‐ I don't have time for your crazy neighbor antics.
Give me back my shovel.
‐ Oh okay. You digging a hole or something?
‐ If you must know, I'm gonna be dying in about 12 hours,
and I need to dig my death hole.
‐ Oh my God. Korvo, I'm so sorry. Are you sick?
‐ No, it's complicated alien shit.
I'm not gonna sit here and explain it to a moron.
‐ Well, I gotta say, I'm impressed with your attitude.
If I knew I was going to die today, I'd be freaking out.
‐ What? Why?
‐ I mean, you know, death is so final.
There's so much I'd feel like I need to do in my life before I die.
‐ What do you mean "death is final"?
‐ Oh, oh, guys. Um, after we burn our stuff, let's salt the Earth,
you know, like, just for safety. ‐ Guys! Guys, stop!
We were lied to about what happens when you die!
‐ Does this mean we actually get that Xbox?
I call first dibs, I wanna play the Moonlight LEGO game!
‐ No! Do know what YOLO means?
‐ Isn't it like the white version of FUBU?
‐ No! Keith just told me that when you die, that's it,
you don't get to do anything after!
Y‐you cease to exist!
‐ What? No, no, no, no.
Look, I watch a lot of cartoons, and death is not a big deal.
‐ Apparently, those cartoons aren't accurate!
This whole time, we were supposed to be living fulfilling lives!
He's also making his own fruit leather,
and I made fun of it until I tried some, and it's actually really good.
‐ But we're dying in 11 hours.
Well, how are we supposed to live full lives
in the same amount of time it takes to digest a McFlurry?
‐ Hey! Maybe we're already fulfilled.
One of my tweets did get a like from Post Malone.
He's pretty busy.
‐ Oh my God, you're right! Maybe we are fulfilled. To the ship!
The dictionary defines fulfillment as
"being satisfied or happy as a result of fully developing one's character."
‐ Okay, yeah, tha‐‐ I mean, that sounds like us.
We've done that, I think.
Ayeesh, pull up the fulfillment meters.
‐ Fuck ass, look at that! We're hardly fulfilled at all!
Aisha, how much time do we have until death?
‐ Eleven hours, 43 minutes, and 23 seconds.
Cripes! ‐ Aw, fuckers!
‐ Okay, calm down. We still have time to get fulfilled.
It's gonna be tight, so no time to waste.
Everyone needs to write down all the things that will make you fulfilled.
You have one hour. Go!
♪ ominous music playing ♪
‐ Ugh, why did we waste a whole hour writing these ideas?
I did mine in, like, five minutes then Googled up‐kilt pictures
the rest of the time.
There's some big ol' dongs in that.
‐ Geez, there's a lot of these. "Learn how to crip walk."
"Shoot an avenge porn."
"Fight the Property Brothers."
‐ Yay! The pink ones are mine!
‐ Crip walk dancing isn't gonna move the needle.
We have to do the one that makes us the most fulfilled
in the least amount of time.
‐ Win a Teen Choice Award?
‐ It's the last step to winning an AGOT.
Adult Video News, Grammy, Oscar, and Teen Choice.
‐ Part of an AGOT won't do it. You need the whole AGOT.
‐ End global warming? ‐ That's mine.
I don't know, it felt like something people talk about, right?
‐ Too easy. We could just do that with our End Global Warming Ray.
‐ Hunt down and kill Carmen Sandiego.
Hell yeah, this one's mine.
Fuck Carmen Sandiego, always rubbing it in our face
that she gets to travel for a living!
‐ "Help a rag‐tag group of kids win a sports championship."
Hey, that's it! What?
Why would we care about that? It sounds stupid.
‐ Hey, that's not stupid, that's my idea!
‐ Yes, we don't care about it.
But if we do care about it after we finish, then we'll be fulfilled
just like Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks!
‐ Told you it wasn't stupid, Yumyulack!
‐ Oh, it was totally stupid, Jesse.
But then I figured out a way to make it cool.
Come on, no time to waste.
Goddamn, you motherfuckers are back again?
‐ We need you to find us the nearest championship game.
‐ Okay, it's kinda out of season but let me see.
The closest option is a water polo championship
in Rio De Janeiro. Y'all got swimming suits?
‐ Ugh, water polo is just wet hockey. It'll have to do.
‐ The Solar Opposites are going to Brazil to get fulfilled!
‐ Stop that! We don't have time for any cool establishing shots!
‐ Ah, that took way too long!
Come on, let's find the rag‐taggers and get on with this.
♪ rock music playing ♪
‐ Holy guacamole, mama like.
‐ Goddammit, none of these guys are rag‐taggy at all.
They swim all day, of course they look like Greek fucking Gods.
‐ Who cares? Just pick a team and I'll zap 'em with the Rag Tag Ray.
‐ Asthmatic and from a C‐list South American country? Boom.
‐ Now they're tagged to the rag.
‐ You missed one. ‐ No, I didn't.
‐ I just want to win for my dad.
He has butt cancer in his heart.
‐ Okay, guys, I know you're super rag‐tag and down on your luck
but if you listen to our coaching and work as a team,
we can go all the way!
Plus we have to do this as fast as possible.
‐ I just want to make my dad proud.
He got his heart butt cancer from smoking.
‐ We get it.
‐ I love you, butt cancer dad!
Thank you for making us champions.
But can you turn me back to young.
I was so hot and had a beautiful voice
and got tons of pussy.
‐ No, we have to get back and see how fulfilled we are.
Hurry, hurry! Check the meters. Are‐are‐are we fulfilled?
‐ I feel pretty dang satisfied!
‐ Oh shit! They've hardly moved at all.
‐ No! That should've worked.
‐ We wasted so much time on that stupid water polo thing.
‐ Jesus Christ, the Pupa looks so hungry.
‐ I can't go down like this!
Ugh! You know what? You're all holding me back!
Fuck you, guys, I'm getting fulfilled by myself!
‐ Okay, I'm gonna go. Fuck you! ‐ Give me a slip.
Fuck you losers!
Help an old lady across the street.
Why are all of Korvo's ideas about doing stuff to old ladies?
Hey, Granny! Stop!
‐ Ugh! You're hurting me! ‐ No, I'm not, this is helping!
‐ I need to go to the bus on the other side of the street.
‐ No time! I'm getting fulfilled!
Ah, what the fuck! Ah! ‐ Eat shit!
‐ Teach someone to read. Ugh, stupid Jesse.
Why can't I do something awesome,
like see how many grapes I can fit in my mouth?
Now your baby can read. You're welcome!
‐ What? Why?
‐ Now you can read. Getting fulfilled!
‐ I could already read, I'm a famous novelist.
‐ Now your hat can read!
‐ Stop that! What are you doing?
‐ Your car can read! ‐ Help!
This alien is educating my things!
‐ Stop right there, you dirty alien!
Oh God, I can read? What if I gain empathy?
What if I learn things that force me to re‐evaluate
my hardline conservative opinions?
‐ Ahh! ‐ Oh my God!
I don't have a lot of time, so I have to learn how to skydive
and get baptized at the same time.
‐ I'm certified by the FAA and our Lord and Savior‐‐
‐ Jesus Christ!
‐ Dunk your head in the holy water!
Korvo, I now baptize you in the name of the Father, Son, and the‐‐
Oh shit, I dropped the bowl!
‐ Fuck, fuck, fuck!
‐ Oh, looks like God was on our side!
Although his ways are mysterious.
What are you doing, little girl?
‐ I'm freein' the Willys, ya dumb cracker!
Have fun being free, Willys!
‐ Alright, Jake Slater, you have been kissed.
Just to be clear, this probably would have fulfilled Jesse more than me.
‐ Whoa. I've never been kissed like that before.
Will you go to prom with me?
‐ Depends on what you're wearing!
♪ ominous music playing ♪
‐ What the fuck are you doing here? ‐ Hello, Ms. Frankie.
Yumyulack wanted to tell you "to go fuck yourself twice,
you has‐been bag of stinky dog piss."
‐ Hurtful but continue.
‐ And Terry wanted to‐‐
Oh, hells no.
‐ What is it?
♪ Ke$ha's Die Young playing ♪
‐ ♪ I hear your heart beat ♪
♪ To the beat of the drums ♪
‐ I'm watching you!
‐ But I'm dancing like you're not! ‐ Aah!
‐ ♪ Came here with someone ♪
♪ Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young ♪
♪ We're gonna die young ♪
♪ Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young ♪
‐ Don't‐‐ Oh!
‐ Dammit, Frankie, I'm on the clock.
‐ Wait, Samantha! Don't get on that plane. I love you.
‐ What? Me? I don't know you!
‐ I love you more than anything I've ever‐‐
‐ ♪ Livin' hard just like we should ♪
♪ Don't care who's watchin' when we tearin' it up ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ That magic that we got nobody can touch ♪
♪ Fo' sho' ♪
♪ Lookin' for some trouble tonight ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Take my hand I'll show you the wild side ♪
♪ Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young ♪
TERRY : Man, that was some good fulfilling!
‐ I'm so fulfull, I'm gonna yack.
‐ Let's not start tuggin' each other's nonexistent dicks quite yet.
We don't know if it worked.
‐ Oh, I have a feeling I'm completely fulfilled.
I didn't give a woman six and a half orgasms for nothing.
Aisha, pull up our fulfillment meters and prepare to be impressed.
Mostly? What the fuck?
‐ What? I don't understand, we did all our slips!
‐ Ooh, my word of the day!
Today's word is dilatory,
meaning moving or proceeding at less than normal speed.
I am dilatory all the time
because I'm kinda lazy and fuckin' stupid.
Ooh!
Oh my God, I'm fulfilled! I did it! I feel amazing!
I YOLO'd and you didn't!
You're Yo‐Losers!
‐ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's that button? Ha ha!
Whoo!
Fuck you! Fuck you! And fuck you!
‐ Shut up, Terry! You suck.
‐ Yeah, shut up!
‐ Make me, you unfulfilled motherfuckers!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
‐ Ah geez, he really splatted.
It wasn't even that much of a fall.
‐ Hey, that's my "b" guys.
Stop licking Terry's blood, you Ragu! Show some respect!
‐ Wait a minute. When Terry died,
it looks like his fulfillment points transferred over to me.
I'm almost fulfilled now.
‐ Holy shit, I guess we're in a
"there‐can‐only‐be‐one" Highlander‐ type situation.
‐ Wait, I thought that show was about a hot nurse
who goes back in time to get her ass eaten out?
‐ No, that's Outlander.
Highlander means if one of us kills the other two,
we'd be totally fulfilled before we die.
‐ Okay. That tracks.
‐ But we would never kill each other, right?
I mean, w‐we're a family.
‐ Yeah. That's, that's what we all think. ‐ Sure. A family.
‐ I'm gonna go mourn Terry in another part of the house.
‐ I'm gonna go do, uh, some Solar Opposites stuff.
‐ And I am going to go write a Rotten Tomatoes user review
of The Dark World.
So people can know my thoughts on that particular Thor movie.
‐ It's so great that we're not preparing to kill each other.
♪ ominous music playing ♪
‐ Hey, beautiful. You ready to fuck shit up?
Dammit. Why did I design this to only turn when you go backwards?
‐ Perfect.
‐ Aisha, I need that magic potion. The one we keep in Narnia?
We promised we would never go back.
‐ No, the secret magic potion that Jewish wizard taught me!
Hurry!
Baruch Atah Adonai
Expellilumus Leviosa...
Ugh!
‐ No fair, you have a tank!
‐ Yeah, and I'm gonna blast you and develop the shit out of my character!
‐ Maybe that would have worked before I made my magic me's!
Come on out, boys!
‐ That's not fair!
‐ Jesse, what did you do? Aren't you trying to kill us too?
‐ Oh gosh, no. I would never do that to my family.
‐ Typical Jesse. So stupid.
‐ Ow! ‐ Oww!
‐ Psych! I Home Alone'd the whole house!
Welcome to Hell, boys!
‐ Die, you creepy little Korvos!
Oh!
Ah!
‐ Ha! Try getting all those feathers off of you!
‐ I'm gonna kill that kid!
‐ Come out here, normal‐sized Korvo!
It's time for me to finish you! ‐ Not quite yet!
Meet ogre Korvo.
Or as I like to call him, Orgo.
Aah‐‐
‐ Oh my God, Yumyulack is dead!
My brother from another toe mother!
‐ Yeah, I killed him, and you're next.
Wait a minute. W‐what are we doing? This feels wrong.
Should we really be killing each other just to get these stupid points?
‐ I was just thinking the same thing!
We should have spent these last 12 hours with each other,
enjoying the company of family.
‐ I'm sorry, Jesse. Y‐you're right.
‐ Korvo, I'm scared.
Is, is dying gonna hurt?
‐ No, I, I think it'll be peaceful, li‐li‐like falling asleep.
‐ Well, I'm glad that at least we'll die together.
‐ You know what? Maybe spending time with people you love
is what gives your life meaning.
Not some bucket list or making a history teacher cum so hard
she loses feeling in her left side?
‐ Korvo, that's beautiful.
Come here, ya big lug.
No, Korvo!
My last booby trap, I forgot all about it!
I'm so sorry! No!
Wait!
I'm fulfilled!
It feels amazing!
I'm fulfilled, mother scratchers!
‐ But I only have a minute left.
I gotta do this right.
Korvo said it's all about family.
It's time to bring this baby full circle.
Goodbye, Pupa.
Remember not to eat us too fast or you'll get a tummy ache.
Any moment now.
Maybe that old clock was just a little fast.
Ah cripes,
did I kill our family for no reason? I hate when‐‐
Holy sh‐‐
‐ Look at that Pupa eating our fruit.
Maybe save some and make a jam, you little fatty!
‐ Alright, so w‐what next?
Is the Pupa gonna terraform the world once he's done eating the fruit?
‐ You're the Pupa specialist! ‐ Right, right, right, right.
No, I‐I‐I meant like for everyone else who doesn't know what the Pupa does.
‐ Jesus, Terry. No.
There's like a bunch more steps in his evolution after this.
This is just step eight. Or‐or nine. I don't know.
‐ Oh, look at him go. You were a hungry little Pupa, weren't you?
Pupa, get over here and suck the sap off my trunk!
‐ Whoa, you're all trees now?
‐ Of course we are. We‐we died and came back as trees.
Why do you sound surprised?
‐ 'Cause it's fuckin' crazy.
When humans die, we just turn into rotten mush.
We don't come back as trees.
‐ Okay, smartass, but then where did all the trees come from?
I mean, they're everywhere.
‐ I don't know, those are just trees.
‐ You're telling me human death operates by different rules
and we didn't have to get fulfilled before we died?
‐ I guess not.
‐ We destroyed our house because of your bullshit, Keith!
‐ How was I supposed to know?
‐ Fuck you, Keith! You suck!
And your Fruit by Keith by the Foot tastes like Poop by Keith from the Butt!
‐ I wasted my cool‐ass hidden tank because of you!
‐ Jesus Christ, calm down! I thought you were dying!
‐ You're a piece of shit, Keith! Fuck you!
‐ Hey! Ow!
Stop! ‐ Die, die!
‐ When we grow our legs back, we're gonna kill you!
‐ Yeah, Keith! ‐ I was just trying to help!
‐ You better move, Keith! You better change your identity!
We're going to spend the rest of our lives hunting your stupid ass down!
Wow, it turns out hatin' on Keith together
was what finally fulfilled them all.
‐ Ah , I feel so fulfilled! ‐ Me too!
‐ Aw, this is amazing. We should've just been tormenting Keith all along.
‐ It's so nice to be fulfilled as a family.
Whoa‐ho‐ho! I can already see my feet starting to form,
so you better pack up, you little bitch!
‐ You don't know how many seasons we're gonna have, Keith!
We're aliens. We can grow into trees and come back
season after season!
I'm gonna cut your eyes out!
‐ Yeah, I'm gonna kick you in the dick!
‐ You know guys, all in all,
this was a pretty satisfying end to our day.
‐ Yeah, that's actually kind of the end to our whole year.
Man, what a run. We did a lot this year.
‐ Wait, that's really the end?
We ran around worrying about death, that's how we go out?
‐ Yeah, I mean, what else do you want? Some fuckin' hacky holiday special?
I would never, ever, in a million years do something as lame and cash‐grabby
as a Solar Opposites holiday special.
‐ Yeah, the Solar Opposites have integrity.
‐ That's right. We have integrity!
And we would never sacrifice that for anything‐‐
Hold on, hold on.
I'm getting a text from Hulu.
Huh. ‐ What does it say, Korvo?
Is it about our integrity?
‐ Sort of. Goddammit.
♪ folksy Hark! The Herald Angels Sing playing ♪
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪